It’s been a while

Whoa, it’s been a while since I’ve last written something on here. It has multiple reasons, which I might write about at some point in the future. Since the death of Hayley, my life has been a rollercoaster in terms of mental health, relationship and school. Let’s just say some big changes have occurred.

So as I’m sitting here in an empty classroom, I started thinking. My mind has been doing it a lot lately, to the point where I’d be lucky if I get 4 hours of sleep a night. Today, on May 4th, my mom would’ve turned 45. It’s still an insane idea to me that she was so young when she passed away. I’ve been holding up fine so far, but I can sense the big black wolf that is depression looming over my shoulder. I honestly don’t even know if I can manage to stay concentrated, or even make it through the day at school today, which would suck, considering I already missed 2 days this week, but at least this is a valid reason. At least I’ve tried if I end up breaking down, right? 🙂

My exams are rolling around, and in 2 weeks classes will officially be over. I decided to be selfish and go away to Finland for a week, because I’ve been feeling very stressed. I need a break, and I think it’ll be good for me. I also found out that the school I’m currently attending doesn’t offer all of the courses I’d need to get into vet school, so I decided to meet up with a counselor at a new school, closer to where I live, which would make things a lot easier if I end up getting in. I’d still be graduating around the same time as at my current school, so it’s no big deal really. Usually I’d be anxious about my exams coming up. I have crippling exam anxiety, but I’ve been pretty numb to it, probably because of all of the changes going on in my life as of lately. Let’s just say I’m happy that I have a great therapist, because otherwise I don’t think I could’ve made it through.

Funnily enough though, I’m quite happy, despite the uncertainties in my life at this point. Life is this weird, fragile and exciting thing. I used to just be living, waiting for the end to happen, but lately I’ve been looking forward to the things yet to come.

Today is just a bad day, but it’s not a bad life. Not at all.

– Nen

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