Long time no see!

Hey you! It has been a while. Life has been pretty hectic lately. 6 weeks ago I went to the Netherlands to see my family and my boyfriend came along too. We had a blast. It was so lovely to be reconnecting with family and friends. Leaving was hard.. I felt out of place being back in Denmark and even though the homesickness has subsided, I still feel a bit lonely. Not that I have much time to think about it though, since my exams are coming at me in full force.

I have 8 exams this period, 4 of which are done now. I passed physics, which was a miracle, since physics is one of the harder subjects for me to understand, but I must admit that spending time reading up on it and doing additional research really did help. I’m looking forward to having it on B level after the summer. Other than that I had written English, written Math and Geography as well. English and Geography went great, I have not yet gotten my English grade back, but I finished Geography with the second highest grade. I’m pretty proud of that. However, the rush of getting good grades didn’t last me very long, considering I have a Chemistry exam coming up, which I didn’t manage to do a lot for. Chemistry at this point does not have my highest priority, considering I’ll take it on B-level next year, but I’d still like to pass obviously! I decided to prioritise the subjects I’ll be finishing this semester, which are Geography, English and Religion. I just don’t have the time to put equal amounts of effort in each and every subject.

This past semester has been tough. 40 hrs of school, additional hours for homework, work in the weekends, trying to stay in shape, keeping the place clean and seeing a friend every once in a while has taken a toll on me. School had to take the backseat at times in order for me to also get other things done and it shows. I guess that’s the downside of studying as an adult, but hey, even that is a learning curve.

I realised that grades are important, but not to the extent of them dominating your life and happiness. I prefer to focus on the subject I’m good at, which luckily enough are a few. The other ones I’ll try out and if they won’t work out, then at least I’ve tried. Despite this rough period, I’m still content with what I’ve managed and done so far. Right now I just want everything to be done and over with. I booked myself plane tickets to see my boyfriend and the in-laws in a few weeks and I’ll be staying in Finland over the summer. It’ll be nice to get away for a while and empty my head. I need some nature, fun and sauna therapy, ha! I’m already giddy thinking about it.

Yeah, it has been a while indeed.. What have you been up to? I’d love to hear your stories!

– Naiyee

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Exam stress: Have I bitten off more than I can chew?

Oh my, I have not been able to write anywhere near as much as I would have liked to lately. Writing is very therapeutic to me and it just feels good to get my thoughts out. Reason for my lack of time for basically everything is because I have exams coming up this month and I don’t feel anywhere near ready.

Main problem being my fear of failing. I’ve had it for as long as I can remember and it exceeds your average nervousness when exams are starting. With me it can get so bad that I barely eat or sleep. It is annoying to say the least. I have exams in Drama, Biology and Mathematics and math in particular is taking up more time than I’d like it to. You see, we get about a month off to read up on things to get ready, but since 75% of our exams have been planned in the first week of said month, it basically means that I’ve been spending the past 2,5 weeks reading and writing summaries, since I won’t have time for it otherwise. Throw the anniversary of my mom’s death in the mix and well.. Let’s just say that I am EXHAUSTED.

Taking up math again after years of not having had it was a humbling experience to say the least, but I would also have to say that it really forced me to work hard on my weaknesses, so for that I’m grateful. But I have to admit that Biology and Drama had to take a backseat because of all this. Not proud of it, but I guess I can afford it, considering these are subjects I naturally have no problems with, whereas with math I do. Tomorrow I have written math, which I don’t think I’ll have a problem with, but oral math I am not excited about. Nor the exam in oral Biology… Nor the exam in Drama. I suck at oral exams, I absolutely hate them when they’re not languages. I perform better in my written exams and well.. Bad grades in oral exams don’t help my average very much. I guess it is just something I got to get over.

It does make me wonder if I have bitten off more than I can chew though. But I guess only time can tell that one. Right now I’m just studying my butt off, dreaming of Christmas and spending time with loved ones.

Do you get stressed when exams roll around or not, and if not,  how do you manage not to get anxious about them?

Any tips are welcome!

– Naiyee

Overcoming adversity

Today is the day before going on an adventure in another country, the lovely country that is Finland. Today is also the day where I had a very tough exam prep for history, which I’ll be having exams for very soon. And today was also the day where I saw my psychologist.

I’ve been battling depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember now, and after having seen different therapists in the course of the past decade, I finally feel like the psychologist I’m seeing now really gets me. With the death of my mom, the big changes in my private life, exams coming up and changing schools, this past month or 2 have been difficult to get through. I’ve been doubting my judgement, consumed with self loathing and over all just very insecure about my schoolwork. Vet school is something I’ve wanted since I was little, and now that I’m actively working towards it, I find myself very discouraged at times, as if I’m not smart enough, or worthy of getting in.

My psychologist used the movie ”Inside Out” as a comparison of the different versions of myself living within this head of mine. She asked me to sit down on a chair and tab into the depressed and dark side of myself, and once I’d gotten there, I’d have to tell her how that version of myself made me feel. At first it felt very weird to me, to get to a dark place in my consciousness while I’m actually having an okay day. But then she made me sit on another chair, the more positive and empathetic part of me. She told me to drag myself out of that deep, dark place and find out what the empathetic version of me would tell my depressed version.

It was very hard for me to actually face myself, my depressed self, and tell myself good things about myself. I’ve been dragging myself down for so long, that it’s basically all I know. I’m not good at telling myself that I deserve to be happy, or that I’m worthy of having good things in my life. For some reason I always felt as if bad things were about to happen, and because of that, I convinced myself that getting excited about anything, would only result in disappointment, so it’d be better to just be miserable. My mom’s death is a prime example of that. Why bother getting married or having kids when she won’t be there to witness it all? All of my milestones would be pointless without her there.

But since seeing my therapist, I started realising how flawed that logic actually is. My mom might be gone, but I’m at the prime of my life. It’d be stupid to deny myself nice things just because she’s gone, or because I got told once by a bully that I’m disgusting and worthless. I’m slowly opening up to the things that I denied myself for a long time, and surprisingly enough, I start feeling things again, instead of running on autopilot. For the first time in years I chose myself over someone else, and to be quite frankly here, it’s hard. My depressed version still comes out often to tell me I’m selfish, and that my choices hurt other people. My psychologist told me to train my empathetic version to be stronger. To tell myself that it’s okay to choose yourself over others sometimes. So I guess that’s another part in my recovery process that I’ll have to work on.

It’s not easy doing this alone. But eventually I’ll get there. Babysteps.

 

  • Nen