It’s been a while

Whoa, it’s been a while since I’ve last written something on here. It has multiple reasons, which I might write about at some point in the future. Since the death of Hayley, my life has been a rollercoaster in terms of mental health, relationship and school. Let’s just say some big changes have occurred.

So as I’m sitting here in an empty classroom, I started thinking. My mind has been doing it a lot lately, to the point where I’d be lucky if I get 4 hours of sleep a night. Today, on May 4th, my mom would’ve turned 45. It’s still an insane idea to me that she was so young when she passed away. I’ve been holding up fine so far, but I can sense the big black wolf that is depression looming over my shoulder. I honestly don’t even know if I can manage to stay concentrated, or even make it through the day at school today, which would suck, considering I already missed 2 days this week, but at least this is a valid reason. At least I’ve tried if I end up breaking down, right? 🙂

My exams are rolling around, and in 2 weeks classes will officially be over. I decided to be selfish and go away to Finland for a week, because I’ve been feeling very stressed. I need a break, and I think it’ll be good for me. I also found out that the school I’m currently attending doesn’t offer all of the courses I’d need to get into vet school, so I decided to meet up with a counselor at a new school, closer to where I live, which would make things a lot easier if I end up getting in. I’d still be graduating around the same time as at my current school, so it’s no big deal really. Usually I’d be anxious about my exams coming up. I have crippling exam anxiety, but I’ve been pretty numb to it, probably because of all of the changes going on in my life as of lately. Let’s just say I’m happy that I have a great therapist, because otherwise I don’t think I could’ve made it through.

Funnily enough though, I’m quite happy, despite the uncertainties in my life at this point. Life is this weird, fragile and exciting thing. I used to just be living, waiting for the end to happen, but lately I’ve been looking forward to the things yet to come.

Today is just a bad day, but it’s not a bad life. Not at all.

– Nen

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Hard times..

To quote my all time favourite band Paramore:

”Hard times
Gonna make you wonder why you even try
Hard times
Gonna take you down and laugh when you cry
These lives
And I still don’t know how I even survive
Hard times”
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Two days ago we found my dog Hayley dead in the livingroom. We obviously kept in the back of our heads that she was an old dog, and that she may not have long to live, a few years tops, but finding her was unexpected nonetheless. She had been a little bit more quiet than usually, for which we made an appointment at the vet, because we were suspecting worms, but nothing serious otherwise. We kept a close eye on her during the weekend, and she seemed okay. We brought her to the vet anyway to get an autopsy done on her, because it was so unexpected, and well.. She died of cancer. Hemangiosarcoma to be exact, which is a very aggressive form of cancer of the spleen and liver. She developed the tumor in the spleen first, which metastasized to the liver, and the tumor ended up leaking, and rupturing. That caused her to bleed to death within seconds. I guess I can find some peace in the fact that she didn’t suffer.. Cancer isn’t exactly an unknown enemy in my family. A good majority of my family members have suffered from it, and some of them died including my mom. I also lost another dog to cancer as well, so hearing Hayley had cancer as well was a bitter pill to swallow.

I’ve had Hayley for a good 8 years, I got her when I was 15, and she was a young adult dog at that point. She was a surprise, given to my by my late mother, because she thought it’d be good for me to have a companion, since I had been struggling with severe depression for a good couple of years at that point. Hayles and I bonded quickly, and soon after we were inseparable. Ever since I was a child and throughout my teenage years, I’ve been dealing with lots of anxiety on top of my depression. Hayley kind of pulled me out of my shell, and pushed my boundaries. However, she also sensed and warned whenever I was blacking out and suicidal. I guess you could say that she was my therapy dog, my crutch. She’s been with me through the roughest times of my life. The move to Denmark, the loss of my mom while adjusting to life in a new country, which gets lonely at times, and a lot of other times as well.

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The morning after she arrived back in 2009

I don’t feel entirely like myself at the moment, which I guess isn’t so weird after spending so many years with her by my side. A lot of people would say that it’s an awful lot of tears to shed over the loss of a dog, but she was so much more than ”just a dog” to me. I don’t own much, I don’t have a lot to my name, but my dogs are one of the things I’m proudest of. Dogs have always been a huge part of my life, I grew up around a big pack of dogs, and Hayley being my first own dog meant a lot to me. It still does. What made her even more special was the fact that she was an Ibizan Hound, which has been my favourite breed for over a decade. It’s weird, sitting here, writing this, without her interrupting me for a hug, which is what she always used to do whenever I was writing.

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Hiking back in 2011, she loved hiking and being out in nature so much

I can’t imagine myself being without an Ibizan Hound for long though. I haven’t been without one for over a decade, and I miss their goofy demeanor. And I’m not the only one. Falera, my Spanish greyhound, misses Hayley terribly as well. Fallie is about as playful as dogs get, and starts throwing her toys around as soon as she gets the chance, but not now. She looks around first, takes her toy, walks around with it and puts it back down, only to sigh and sleep afterwards. She misses her sister, I can tell. I’m spoiling her a bit extra these coming days. Poor thing doesn’t understand it at all.. If only they could understand the words we say to them..

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If there’s such a thing as an afterlife, I hope she’s out there, somewhere, looking down on us.. And maybe one day, we’ll meet again

Sorry for the depressing post this time guys.. Hopefully the next one will be a little bit more positive!

* Nen

 

 

 

Reading, reading and more reading

This past week I’ve been spending a lot of my time reading. Main reason being that I had a book review for my Danish class due, but I have to admit that I really enjoyed using some time on that. I love reading, and I used to do it all the time, but with schoolwork, fitness, yoga, dogs, cooking, boyfriend etc. it really is hard to find a bit of spare time to just sit down and read.

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Reading in Danish used to be such an intimidating concept to me, anything Danish in general, really. But it seems as if it gets easier as the weeks go by.. I used to be terrified to even speak Danish to my parents-in-law, but that just comes naturally too now. Pretty proud of that progress, if I may say so myself.  But now that I’ve finished reading this novel ( it’s a great one called ”You disappear” by Christian Jungersen, I can most definitely recommend it!), I’m looking for more books to read, in English, Dutch or, of course, in Danish! Any recommendations are very welcome! I’m not picky when it comes to books, so the genre doesn’t really matter either! I noticed that the more I read, especially in Danish, the more of an expansion I see in my vocabulary. There’s just something beautiful about language. I love trying to figure out different synonyms for different words. I don’t like overusing words when I’m writing, or speaking for that matter!

So as I’m sitting here, writing this post, I’m thinking about which next book to read. I have far too many that I haven’t even touched yet, because I have this horrible habit of going into bookshops, find a bunch of books that I definitely do not need, and then add them to the ever growing stack of unread books I already have. I’m considering reading the Bhagavad Gita next, since I am serious in my yoga practise and could probably learn some valuable lessons reading it.. Decisions, decisions.. Oh well. I’ll probably update about which book I pick in my next post. 😉 At least I’ve got the weekend off, so lots of time to get my reading on!

Any other bookworms out there that want to share their favourite books with me? I’d love to hear about them!

* Nen

Holy moly! Let’s give this blogging thing a try!

Blogging is an idea I’ve been flirting with for quite a while, I just managed to put it off for so long because I felt as if my life wouldn’t be interesting enough to write about. But after having talked with Pete, my fiance, about it I decided to do it anyway and give it a try. I moved to another country after all, so there has got to be something interesting to write about!

Let me start off by introducing myself!

My name is Naiyee, but please, call me Nen. I am currently 23 years old and I’m residing in Denmark. I hail from the Netherlands, but ended up in Denmark because the love of my life happened to be a Dane ( yay for the internet am I right?). I moved right after I graduated from vet tech school, and I’ve been here ever since! I have two dogs, Hayley, a 10 year old Ibizan Hound, and Falera, an 8 year old Spanish Greyhound. At the moment I’m preparing to get into vet school, but in order to get in I have to get a better average in math, physics, chemistry and biology, so I decided to take it slow and do a HF, which is the Danish equivalent to a GED. It’s quite challenging really, but I’m loving the fact that I get to use my brain. I love learning!

Other than all that I love everything food, fitness, animals and yoga related. I’ve been on a fitness journey since 2014 and I’ve gone from a 100+ kilos to somewhere between 70-80 kilos currently. I’ll probably write a fair bit about that on here as well.

I think that that’s all for now. I’ll write again very soon. 😉

 

  • Nen